My Resu- Mockery

Last Friday I was asked to bring my resume to a meeting. I haven't looked at in a while and it got me thinking... who is this person? Walking to the bathroom at the movie theater I birthed the idea of a resu-mockery. A resume that mocks resumes and mocks me, but gives a better sense of who I am.

Danielle Nicole Goates

1526 Continual Mess Katy, Texas 77450

(281) 785-4655 danielle.goates@gmail.com

Objective:  

I hope to convince myself that I can fix my hair without rewetting it and that the bun on top of my head looks good (even better when I add a headband)

Education:

Pinterest

Master’s of pinning outrageous unattainable home décor                         July 2011- Present

West Texas Mother

Bachelor of Science in “Sale” Shopping and homemade rolls                  April 1985-Present

Certifications:

Obtuse Comparison Making                                                                                         1995- Present

Wife of Musician                                                                                                 April 2010- Present

  

Skills:

• Experience in finding the public toilet that just got destroyed
• Experience in losing my keys, and/or locking in them in the house or car
• Knowledge in going to bed with wet hair and waking up with a mullet
• Extensive knowledge in sitcoms: Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Parenthood, Etc.  
• Expertise in buying old crap treasures for no purpose
• Experience in drinking coffee at all times of the day

Work History:

Dog Owner                                                   Lubbock, Austin, Ft.Worth, Houston, Texas

Title: Lola’s B****                                                                                          08/2005-present

·       Observed excessive hunger, bow-legged-ness, female dog balls

·       Collaborated with husband in letting weenie dog sleep in our bed

·       Provided daily dachshund ear flipping back to factory settings

·       Consulted with dog beds and backyard for missing socks

·       Overcame laziness by teaching dog to run itself by catching frisbees

Knower, Dater and Marrier of Musicians                                                                                                    

Title: Dealer of shannangins                                                                             08/1998-Present

·       Made excuses for consistent flakeyness

·       Listened to talented people with excessive displays of feelings

·       Conversed with others and watched TV successfully during jam sessions

·       Regularly gave the “its time to stop” look

·       Participated inconsistently

Being Me

Title: Dealer of my own shannagins                                     Oklahoma, Texas, Illinois, Colorado

·       Gradual hater of meats                                                                                        04/1985- Present

·       Not sleeping due to ideas like resumockeries                                                   

·       Avoid large groups of new people

·       Constant struggle between art, serving the community and making money

·       Lover of animals more than people/ inherent need to put my face on their faces (dogs, horses, not cats)

·       Lover of vegetables and the idea of a garden

·       Inability to see shades of green

·       Lover of travel and beautiful pictures

·       Slow to respond to emails and texts

·       Inability to sleep in

·       Appreciation for well thought out design… and pinot grigio

 

References:

Darenda (mother), Danay (sister) Sophee and Courtney (Like sisters), Danielle R. Kendal & Laurel (Close Friends) Rob (Husband) Lola and Sam (Dogs) Mondays (on this blog)